2019 - JOKES

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Triaan
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Triaan » Sat Jan 05, 2019 11:05 am

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Political content.
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by SlowApproach » Sun Jan 06, 2019 12:10 pm

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Ugly Duckling » Sun Jan 06, 2019 2:22 pm

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day."

"That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing :lol:
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by SlowApproach » Sun Jan 06, 2019 9:04 pm

A pilot meets an exceptionally beautiful sex worker at the airfield's pub. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for 300 bucks as long as you can say it in three words." The pilot nods in agreement and eagerly pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays 300 bucks on the counter and says slowly, "Clean...my...plane."
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Deanw » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:52 am

Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday. "This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Jonny and beats him up.

"Why did you do that?" Jonny asks the bicycle.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.

"But that's why i'm here, to take you for a ride"

So Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell?" says Jonny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.

"But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Jonny.

So again, Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell man, why'd you keep doing that?" asks Jonny.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.

....It's a vicious cycle.
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by SNIPER » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:54 am

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
Barry Wolmarans
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Ugly Duckling » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:55 am

Deanw wrote:
Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:52 am
Jonny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday. "This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Jonny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Jonny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Jonny and beats him up.

"Why did you do that?" Jonny asks the bicycle.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.

"But that's why i'm here, to take you for a ride"

So Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell?" says Jonny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.

"But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Jonny.

So again, Jonny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell man, why'd you keep doing that?" asks Jonny.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.

....It's a vicious cycle.
:lol: :lol:
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by DaveJ » Tue Jan 08, 2019 12:45 pm

:lol:
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Walter105 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:05 pm

The collective noun for a group of airline pilots is “a delay”.
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by SlowApproach » Tue Jan 08, 2019 4:14 pm

An American tourist walks into a pub in Joburg and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you South Africans are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give 500 US Dollars to anybody in here who can drink 20 bottles of beer, back-to-back!"

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the American’s offer. One bloke even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same bloke who left shows up again and taps the American on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Saffer.

The American says yes and asks the bartender to line up 20 bottles of beer. Immediately the Saffer tears into all 20 of the bottles, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the American gapes in amazement.

So the American gives the Saffer the $500 but asks, "If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did ya go for that 30 minutes ya were gone?"

The Saffer replies, "Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Last edited by SlowApproach on Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Walter105 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:17 pm

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by thelsa » Thu Jan 10, 2019 7:49 am

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by thelsa » Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:38 am

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Walter105 » Sat Jan 12, 2019 10:40 am

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by JCA » Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:32 pm

DRY eye.JPG
Probably got to see what's coming.................
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