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Jean van der Riet
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Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Jean van der Riet » Sat Aug 17, 2019 7:19 pm

Hi guys .

My monthly comic story for a South Africa Publication . Tell me if it works please .

Jean
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Jean van der Riet » Sat Aug 17, 2019 7:22 pm

And another one ??? For feedback of course ?

A380 Legend

Everyone needs a long deserved holiday once in a while and so my time to have one finally arrived , a scenic holiday on the Comores islands awaited us only a few hours away .

Growing up in the eighties there are two things I love more than a Bell 222 and a MD 500 ,and maybe Kitt and David Hasslehoff in Knight Rider , and that would be a Boeing 747 and an Airbus A380 . As a genius in the aviation industry I can not help to appreciate the technical wonders that have made these aircraft the true ladies of the skies . And so , we boarded an Airbus A380 to what would be the start of two weeks of sipping funny drinks with weird names , appreciating milky white beaches and striking up chats with people with lesser intelligence than myself .
As we boarded the grand A380 at OR ThamboInternational I had to proclaim to all that would listen that I was indeed a pilot of great skill and competence myself , a fact that makes my wife Liesel drop her head in shame for no reason at all . My wife describes me as the “ oldest sixteen year old “ she knows and was once again upset when I insisted on visiting the pilots in the cockpit . Some stupid new rule will not allow mere mortals inside this facility anymore and I had to retreat to my seat with a sad sense of regret . If they only knew how good a pilot I was things would surely be different !
I was soon caught up in a daydream about the romantic life that international “ heavy “ pilots are afforded , beautiful women at their sides , that they had a few more stripes on their shoulders than me , exotic James Bond like locations and those huge pay checks . A sense of utter disgust and revenge filled my mind . But alas , my time will come one day I told myself .
After the initial climb a rather worried looking hostess came down the isle , sat next to me , and then asked the question I have been waiting for my entire life … “ you said you could fly a plane Sir “ . Turns out that both pilots have ingested bad airline food and was totally out of it and I was the only saviour of close to 500 souls on this aircraft . My time was here , the day I was dreaming about , the day that I could prove to the world that I was the genius pilot that I know I am . As I opened the door to the cockpit and taking the left hand seat reality set in . The enormity of the situation soon clouded my mind !
The hostess looked so happy that she found a pilot on board that could save all that I could not get it over my heart to tell her that I just knew how to fly a Cessna 210 with retractable landing gear and the only similarity with the A380 , the fact that I was not IF rated , the problem of not finishing any twin ratings or that my total of 830 hours of flying time was limited to private pilot status ! But , as aviation pioneers of before , I had to get to grips with what was presented to me , and save these people . The only thing that could save me now was my late nights playing flight sim games on the pc , my ability to see where I was flying and to prove to myself that I was indeed as good as I proclaimed .

Luckily we have not passed land yet and the ocean was just coming in to view . Looking around I realised that we were passing over the edge of Mozambique and the island of Macanetta , a favourite destination to all of us living in the Lowveld . I immediately took control of the A380 and turned sharply to the right to avoid losing visual flight and turn towards KMIA ( Kruger Mpumalanga International Airport ) . I once flew with a friend in his Cirrus SR22 that was fitted with a Garmin G1000 panel and I soon made sense of the endless glass avionics that was in front of me . I entered the code for KMIA in to the flight computer . The flight computer would not accept my commands and kept on repeating “ rate of decent to high “ , “ over speed “ and “ glide slope to steep “ warnings ! I have seen to many Air Crash Investigation episodes play out on DSTV , there was no way that I would follow in their footsteps . Unlike them , I would carefully proceed to use my superior stick and rudder skills to safely fly this monster and to safely put her on the ground . Its all about common sense you know !

I immediately put down the landing gear and selected full flaps in an attempt to lose some speed and create enough drag to land . With the glide slope warnings pissing me off I thought maybe this was not such a good idea after all . I then proceeded to select the code for the old Nelspruit airport , a runway I know very well and fly from ever so often as well as being the base for our flight club . Entering FANS in to the flight computer did not help the situation as even more warnings presented themselves .“ Runway too short “ , “ rate of decent “ as well as other irritating messages forced me to rethink my approach and divert to a better destination .

You must all be asking why I was not asking ATNS for some guidance at this point . Fact was that if my fellow aviators knew my mouth was writing checks my bodycan not cash my days as the most revered pilot in the small town of Sabie would be over . If I could turbo charge my microlight , fit a supercharger to my lawnmower and teach my daughter Mieke to drive a car at the age of 8 I could surely master this little nuisance of flying the biggest plane in the world ? My last hope was to enter the code for Vereeniging airport , FAVV , the strip where I completed my PPL training many years ago . As luck would have it , and with the speed I was doing we just passed the town of Heidelberg by now and I had enough time to drop some speed and line up for a perfect runway approach .
Thinking back to the 1996 block buster movie Executive Decision starring Halle Berry , Kurt Russel and Steven Segal I had to admit that I laughed my ass off when they failed to put down the landing gear , a mistake I would not make . Checking everything from approach speeds to glide slopes and flap settings we decended below 2000 feet with no warnings being sent from any of the A380’s safety systems . A final tight right turn over the town of Meyerton was the only thing left to execute the most perfect of all landings . As the runway came in to sight , perfectly aligned with the A380 , I knew it was only a matter of time before the press would hail me as a hero . The prospects of employment with Airbus as a test pilot was only moments away . A call from civil aviation to head up their ATPL division was also in my mind , what I was about to achieve was only moments away !
As we touched down I immediately selected full brakes and full reverse thrust and the queen of the skies came to the most gentle of stops you can imagine . As luck would have it ATNS tracked us to FAVV and had rescue crews and stair trucks at the ready . With my passengers departing the plane and myself going through the shut down checklist I could not help to be a proud man .
But luck would not be on my side , civil aviation told passengers that they where part of a “ forced landing “ exercise to guarantee future passenger and flight safety and that they would be generously compensated for the inconvenience caused to their holiday and travel plans . The carrier operating the A380 made me sign a very large document that stated I was in no way involved in this exercise and proceeded to issue me with a lifetime , business class , travel voucher for the family to any destination in the world to ensure my silence .

The pain of not having an A380 rating in my special little brown book needed some time to heal , but just imagine … if word of my ultimate genius got out !
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Jack Welles » Sat Aug 17, 2019 8:06 pm

You asked for feedback. I never hassle people on social media about language issues. But you did ask. I hope this doesn't p..s you off, but you really need someone to copy edit your English. The English in the very first line of your article/story was such that I got no further than that. Sorry, but you did ask.
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by GPsucks » Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:03 pm

Eina boet , djy sit nie die komma , daar of nogal die punt hier . Djy sit hom hier, net agter die woord soos hier aangedui. Is grammar not taught in school no more?
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Ugly Duckling » Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:09 pm

GPsucks wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:03 pm
Eina boet , djy sit nie die komma , daar of nogal die punt hier . Djy sit hom hier, net agter die woord soos hier aangedui. Is grammar not taught in school no more?
Collect your badge :lol:
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by JCA » Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:12 pm

Ugly Duckling wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:09 pm
GPsucks wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:03 pm
Eina boet , djy sit nie die komma , daar of nogal die punt hier . Djy sit hom hier, net agter die woord soos hier aangedui. Is grammar not taught in school no more?
Collect your badge :lol:
Given GPsucks last sentence, he had better call PG Glass to come and repair his house! I'll claim the badge :lol: :lol:
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Ugly Duckling » Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:15 pm

JCA wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:12 pm
Ugly Duckling wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:09 pm
GPsucks wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:03 pm
Eina boet , djy sit nie die komma , daar of nogal die punt hier . Djy sit hom hier, net agter die woord soos hier aangedui. Is grammar not taught in school no more?
Collect your badge :lol:
Given GPsucks last sentence, he had better call PG Glass to come and repair his house! I'll claim the badge :lol: :lol:
:lol:
Specially for you
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by JCA » Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:21 pm

Jack Welles wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 8:06 pm
You asked for feedback. I never hassle people on social media about language issues. But you did ask. I hope this doesn't p..s you off, but you really need someone to copy edit your English. The English in the very first line of your article/story was such that I got no further than that. Sorry, but you did ask.
Give him a break. He is doing what a lot of other Avcommers don't do, including me. Making an effort to inject a bit of humour into our flying lives.
Hey Jack, weren't you an editor at some stage? You could make an offer to 'copy edit his English' of course. [-X
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Jean van der Riet » Sun Aug 18, 2019 8:30 am

Yes guys , I did ask .

I think up the <<moderated - language>> stories , write a quick draft such as above and then tweak and rewrite them to Oxford standard , no excuse though ! Some guys mail me ideas on additional antics and more stupid scenarios to include in a certain story and then I go from there .

And thanks JCA !
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Ugly Duckling » Sun Aug 18, 2019 9:19 am

Jean
You carry on doing what you enjoy =D>
Don't be put off by 1 negative :D
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by V5 - LEO » Sun Aug 18, 2019 9:52 am

....gaan groot boet, 'n goeie begrip het 'n halwe woord nodig, punctuation is not going to influence catching on to a lekka story :D :D
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by SlowApproach » Sun Aug 18, 2019 11:01 am

Especially for Wack Jelles... :wink: :lol:

gramma police.png
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Jean van der Riet » Sun Aug 18, 2019 11:32 am

Jack Welles wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 8:06 pm
You asked for feedback. I never hassle people on social media about language issues. But you did ask. I hope this doesn't p..s you off, but you really need someone to copy edit your English. The English in the very first line of your article/story was such that I got no further than that. Sorry, but you did ask.
The junior guy at he mag did accept responsibility for spelling Genius and Lowveld wrong in the article before it went to print !
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Jack Welles » Sun Aug 18, 2019 11:39 am

Well done, guys, you're all heart :lol:

Sheeesh, the guy asked. I never comment on people's grammar or spelling on the forum (too worried I might be making mistakes myself).

BUT HE ASKED.

The title had a spelling mistake in it. The first sentence verb that should have been singular was a plural etc etc

How do you expect the oke to learn if no-one will respond to his direct query for help?

Get it now? Or is that still a little too obscure for you?
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Re: Magazine comedy articles

Unread post by Jack Welles » Sun Aug 18, 2019 11:44 am

Jean van der Riet wrote:
Sun Aug 18, 2019 11:32 am
Jack Welles wrote:
Sat Aug 17, 2019 8:06 pm
You asked for feedback. I never hassle people on social media about language issues. But you did ask. I hope this doesn't p..s you off, but you really need someone to copy edit your English. The English in the very first line of your article/story was such that I got no further than that. Sorry, but you did ask.
The junior guy at he mag did accept responsibility for spelling Genius and Lowveld wrong in the article before it went to print !
Actually now I'm sorry I responded to your direct request for help. I apologise profusely. Next time I'll just skip lightly by ... :lol:
Jack Welles (thriller_author pen name)
https://www.amazon.com/Jack-Welles/e/B073VJQTTX
Eddie Haynes-Smart
Textbook - "The Lore of Negotiation"
http://www.loreofnegotiation.com

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