2019 - JOKES

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by viki » Wed Mar 27, 2019 1:12 pm

LOL....!!!!!!!!
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Christopher » Thu Mar 28, 2019 6:31 am

Two Irishmen adrift in a lifeboat, when they find a bottle floating nearby. After pulling it aboard, they take off the stopper and out pops the genie, who (naturally enough) says: "You can have <one> wish and only one..."

First man quickly jumps the gun and tersely states: "Turn the whole ocean into Guinness"...and lo, and behold: the ocean turns to Guinness!

Second man: "Yer bleedin' eejit: now we're going to have to p*ss in the f**kin' boat!"
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by thelsa » Sat Mar 30, 2019 3:06 pm

For the first time in history, UK will probably see end of May before end of April
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by GL » Sat Mar 30, 2019 5:48 pm

thelsa wrote:
Sat Mar 30, 2019 3:06 pm
For the first time in history, UK will probably see end of May before end of April
Good one.
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by HJK 414 » Sun Apr 07, 2019 12:46 pm

There was an Egyptian prisoner of war, and he was about ready to get out of prison after many years.
The Pharaoh agreed that if the man could pass 3 trials, he would set him free.
The Pharaoh and his guards led the man to 3 doors.
"You have one whole night to drink all of the barrels of rum in this room," the Pharaoh said.
They locked him in there. The next morning, he came out drunker than a skunk.

The Pharaoh said, "Alright," and lead him to the second door. "No one's ever passed this test so I'll tell you what you'd get to do after this.
In this room, there's a lion with a toothache. You have to pull its tooth out.
In the next room, you have to please a princess because she's never been pleased before," the Pharaoh stated.
"All -hic- right I can only do one -HIC- thing at a time," the drunk prisoner said.
They locked him in the room with the lion. There was cussing and screaming and hollering and yelling and then... Silence... Dead quiet...

"Alright," the Pharaoh said, bring his body out."
The guards unlocked the door and the drunken prisoner limped out and said, "Alright, where's that lion with the toothache?

JK
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by JCA » Sun Apr 07, 2019 10:14 pm

Then there was the story of a blind man who went into a bar, then into a chair, then into a table and then into a wall.........
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Ugly Duckling » Mon Apr 08, 2019 8:11 am

Enough said :lol:
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by SlowApproach » Tue Apr 16, 2019 8:07 pm

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar." She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?" "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by MadMacs » Thu Apr 25, 2019 4:32 am

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 000 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?” Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.





I went to a faith healer last night.
He was absolute rubbish, even a man in a wheelchair got up and walked out.





Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

...When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks."

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"



"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by thelsa » Thu Apr 25, 2019 8:19 am

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Ray W » Fri Apr 26, 2019 9:16 am

...
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by vanjast » Tue Apr 30, 2019 10:52 pm

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Only » Wed May 01, 2019 5:04 pm

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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by V5 - LEO » Mon May 06, 2019 4:19 pm

....to keep you busy on weekends :D
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Re: 2019 - JOKES

Unread post by Givane O » Tue May 07, 2019 9:21 am

:lol:
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